Oh, it won’t be so bad!
At Christmas time last year I found, a poem doth make a pleasing sound
Among tweeps with whom I chat all year, and kindhearted kudos did appear.
But lest I fall back and just repeat, I set myself a different feat
So without much sense or reason, I celebrate many in a diff’rent season.
If your name’s not here, please don’t feel snubbed, I forgot, or simply flubbed;
I ran out of time, or rhyme — imagine I’ve rendered you in mime.
As you read, remember that, this symbol is silent, it’s called @.
Last but not least I must admit, the meter’s not perfect, though I worked to fit.
So I say to those who would note a wrong, “Hey dude, it’s for fun, and it’s not a song.”
* * *
As the leaves begin to fall, and shortened days do cast their pall,
Many frightening sights are seen as we prepare for Halloween.
You drift asleep and start to snore, then glimpse e’er-present tweep @DLoehr,
And as your thoughts begin to rage, from the dark leaps @ShentonStage.
While you descend through levels quartzy, you wonder whether good @BenSchwartzy
Will stop your fall, but then there’s pains. Some voodoo plot from that @MattCaines?
Your plunge unchecked, you’re moved to fret, as you drop faster than @Hudsonette.
Plummeting past other friends too, you wonder, “What offense did @JoesView do?
Am I nuts, an addle-pated boobie?” “You’re not,” you’re told by @CassandraKubi,
“And if you complain a bit too hard? Well here’s what we did to @TravisBedard.”
“This is the price I pay?,” you ask of @Beebea. “No, it’s on us. Call it a freebie.”
Aghast you turn to spooky @SimsJames, to see him burst into blazing flames,
No sight of heaven, you head below, to the wails of @JakeyOh;
The temperature enflames your hair, to naught but laughs from @LindsayAbaire.
The heat doth rise, you start to burn, under baleful gaze of @JennaStern;
Who’s laughing all the way to Hell? That rhyming imp, once called @HuntBell.
And who awaits on Satan’s veranda? Hip-hopping @Lin_Manuel Miranda,
Beside him, reduced to quivering wreck? The snarky wit @DavidYazbek.
@WarrenLeightTV waves hi to you, inured to shock by SVU;
And who’s espied in that spectral lobby? The damned-by-Mormon @LopezBobby.
Seated hard by to record this tale, there’s Ph.dead @DERagsdale;
Also chronicling profound trauma, is chuckling critic @PeterMarksDrama.
Avoid fiery spheres, skillfully flung, by eagle-eyed targeter, quick @LFung.
For help, you rightly try to reach out, but there’s no assist from @TerryTeachout.
In one corner, don’t you scoff, or you’ll be singed by @DItzkoff,
With him, singing “Helter Skelter,” media maven @BrianStelter;
Viewing this, you start to swoon, discovering that it’s no @Carr2n.
Used to cold, so sheer out of luck, is Torontonian Kelly @Nestruck.
Iniquities first are small you see, explained by @NPRMonkeySee
“There’s no cable”; you grumble “ick,” but learn of dispatches from @Poniewozik
Nor @Netflix either, that’s upon us, but still: reports from @Slate‘s @JuneThomas.
Then passing by, pushing bloody gurney, now-soulless songstress @JuliaMurney
Carting bodies to the devil’s bower, attended to by dark @DDower
Surrounded by assaulting sound, the banshee voice long named @HowlRound.
Controlled only by @PollyKCarl, cruel Cerberus does start to growl
He’s agitated in these parts by optimism from @NancyArts,
Who’ll soon learn she is no longer human like fellow journo, fierce @matttrueman.
Now you’re ferried cross flaming lake, by sepulchral @PlaybillBlake
Who’s aided by a skeletal fella, her friend in life: that’s @FDilella.
“That scent in the air, perhaps its cinnamon?” “No, it’s brimstone,” says J. @Zinoman.
Despair creeps in, you start to cry, “No sympathy!” shouts @BarbaraChai
“You should have known you’d take this fall,” hisses visionary @KatoriHall;
“But all I did was make fun of a witch.” That’s your mistake,” declares @ClydeFitch.
“You never should have been so glib,” adds shape-shifting @ChrisJonesTrib.
“Indeed,” whispers @GeorgeHunka, “That’s something that you shoulda thunk-a.”
“Enough!,” you cry, “I’m already spent!” “You’ve seen nothing yet,” intones @RobKendt
“I was good,” you plead, “That’s what I thought.” “Not good enough,” chirps @DiepThought.”
@_PlainKate_ directs this fiendish din, while dramturged by @AnikaChapin
Who thought this up? It’s hardly a shocker, it sprang from the brain of @Kockenlocker.
@Ouijum stokes the intense fire, aided by evil @KrisVire;
Can terror be @reduced by @AustinTichenor, presiding o’er this ghoulish kitchen, or
Will the pain simply go on? “’Fraid so,” confides @MCahalane.
Perhaps you’ll rise from ash, like @LindaInPhoenix? “Nope,” bellows @LynnBrooklyn, “So get your kicks.
There’s those who party before turned to jelly, like astute @EVincentelli,
@TheCraptacular found ways to have their fun, by ranking trolls before they’re done;
Directors @LloydJamie and @JerHerrin, chose to enhance this massive scare-in
By throwing an electric heater, into the bath of @NewYorkTheater;
And @MarthaPlimpton got all culty, she sacrificed @CharlesMcNulty.
@KwameKweiArmah and @DavidHenryHwang, boy did they like doing wrong,
Gave @MrJasonRBrown a fit, by dangling his bride @GeorgiaStitt
Over our giant sulfurous lake, tended by @ElissaBlake.”
“Is there no appeal? You have a quorum?” “What, is this @TheShakesForum?
You seek judgment wondrous fair? This ain’t no democracy,” sneered @JimHebert.
“In any event, you’re a total loss, you’ll not be saved by @TylerJMoss
And though compassionate once was she, there’s no reprieve from @WhitneyJE.”
“Now, on one foot, begin to hop,” says beetle-browed @ArtDecoStop,
“Perhaps 100 years of that, and you’ll be joined by @ProductionKat,
As well as @Tim_Mik and fair @NoPlain, they all will share that constant pain
And if you dare to stop for breath, I’ll give you to @KChenoweth,
For though she may be small in size, she likes to sup on juicy eyes.”
Is that another tormentor coming on? Yes! You quake, seeing @MooreJohn
Joined in his perpetual torture biz, by that dastardly @ShowRiz,
They’re jokesters, see, they’re tying a frog on to the face of @AlisonCroggon
And they’ve transformed to a flamingo, the good-hearted @ColmanDomingo.
Another subject of their clever fun is @RobertFalls201
Who’s joined to Ireland’s @GarryHynes by pricking quills of porcupines.
As your body wracks with sobs, do you spy good friend @BackstageJobs
Why yes, look, there’s a hellish theatre, with @TeresaEyring as its greeter
The show, you hear, has good report, from vigilant @KenDavenport,
You buy a ticket from @GoldstarJim, who proffers discounts by his whim.
Dead-tweeting snarky japes and snipes, former good gal one @Spinstripes;
The space is narrow but your starved body fits, right next to critic @KennedyTwits.
It must be press night, for you see @PatrickHealyNYT,
@TheJoeDShow and @FeldmanAdam, all waiting for actors, to get at ‘em.
Will a comedy deflect their scorn? No, it’s a dark play by A. @Ayckbourn.
There’s also a musical by @ValerieVigoda and @BrendanMilburn, they wrote a
Paean to the fiend who’d serve us, on a platter (he’s played by @Cerveris).
If actors exhibit any sloth, they’re poked with a trident by @Jordan_Roth;
Aiding in prompting all to play, is multi-faceted @Kimberly_Kaye.
While chastising late-comers, those foolish slink-ins, is the not-to-be messed-with @TonyaPinkins.
It’s a remarkable cast. Did you suppose you’d see @AnikaNoniRose?
Or that from runic texts, you’d hear a lick, sung by @AudraEqualityMc?
@SFosterNYC shred buns, of her fellow castmates, the young ‘uns,
You find that in life @JeremyShamos had sold his soul to get real famous,
And @JimmyJindo, @MJMcKean, they play out a zombie see-in
Of graphic horror, things filled with pus. You whisper to @JulieHennrikus,
“I just can’t bear this, can you, pardner?” “Well, “she says, “If @LynGardner
Manages to keep her seat, I’ll have to watch them turn to meat
@Dramagirl and @GBenAharon, without revealing I’ve got my scare on.”
What would @nymag make of this culture, subject it to some scorn from @vulture?
Even when you were alive, you could be flayed by @scottstagedive.
The bodies rendered, @NPRScottSimon, digs some graves and then pours lime on
@KristofferDiaz and @MRBplus, as the crowd round you murmurs, “One of us.”
You flee the theatre and in heat feel hail, a favorite prank of @YouveCottMail.
@BroadwayGirlNYC, delighted, tweets joy in a place so cruelly blighted,
You wonder if there is a fix in, some bribe all give to @AndyDickson?
“Is there some favor he can do me?,” you inquire of @GlennSumi.
“No,” he sighs, “Not on heaven or earth, even commended by @AlliHouseworth
Will not make torment remotely fair, just suffer like @TheStage’s @SmithAlistair.”
At long last you come to learn, there’s no escape. Says @SherryStern:
“Your soul has long been placed in hock, with @NPRMelissaBlock,
Be very careful, don’t abandon your wits, or you’ll end up like @AdamSymkowicz
He thought he could be one of hell’s comedians, but that berth’s been given to scribe @Gwydions.”
Then @Antoni_ssf bursts in, joined by @WTFest’s @JGersten
Shouting, “Go! It’s your time now, man, you have to see the cruel @ChadBauman.”
This gives you such a chilling start, you cry to be saved by @TheatreSmart
Or @DevonVSmith, digital maven, can she construct some private haven?
Anything to block this world so harrowing, perhaps @markcaro
Or @PiaCatton, she can be tough, and fight for succor, just enough
So that brutish @HellerNYT won’t assail you, and if not free
Some music might be heard all over, a bit perhaps from @RyanScottOliver.
Then all at once, in this damned place, clouds of smoke obscure your face,
You drop to the ground, start to scuttle, defying this ruse by wily @AShuttl,
Or perhaps it’s more cruel games, devised by @BrianDarcyJames.
The ground it continues hard to shake – and with that, you bolt awake.
You are no Scrooge, what you’ve just seen, is merely brought by Halloween.
So go and give to children candy, and everything will be just dandy.
Huzzah!!
As I ponder, weak & bleary, how to respond to poem eerie,
There came a tintinnabulation, surely not a fabulation,
Ringing at my parlor door…
A raven, went by name of Tony, perched there, silent, still & stony,
“American Theatre” under his wing, as hauntingly he set to sing
A line I’ll think of evermore…
“By the pricking of Ethel Merman, something wicked by @hesherman!”